June 07, 2016
Kansas City, MO — LDS parents William and Susan Marsh confirmed to reporters earlier today that they have direct knowledge of exactly what Jesus wants, and conversely, exactly what Satan wants, in any given situation. “This helps us immeasurably when providing counsel or discipline to our children,” William explained. “As stewards over them in the one true gospel, we’re entitled to revelation. Whereas parents of other faiths have to rely on their own knowledge and experience in their parenting, we only trust in God. Being in constant communication with Him, we know exactly what kind of micromanagement Jesus wants for our children and, even more importantly, any and all traps the adversary is putting in their paths.”
Susan Marsh elaborated with some examples. “When our 11-year-old son lost a spot on his soccer team after we didn’t let him play in the tournament on Sunday, I let him know how happy Jesus was with his sacrifice. When his older sister was furious at us for not letting her participate in her dance recital because of her strapless outfit, I told her exactly how Sad Jesus was with her attitude, and exactly how happy Satan was about her desire to dress immodestly. When my husband had Stake interviews all evening and I had a Relief Society activity to host, I let our 16-year-old know the uncomfortable truth that Satan wanted her to go to the movies with her friends so she couldn’t watch the kids. And as our oldest has been applying to different universities, we’ve counseled him to only apply to church-owned schools, because Jesus really doesn’t want him to go anywhere else.”
At press time, Susan was lecturing her 4-year-old daughter about how elated Satan was that she had broken the “No food in the living room” rule and spilled milk all over the carpet.
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