September 09, 2016
Salt Lake City, UT — In a shocking turn of events, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has revealed that founding prophet Joseph Smith Jr. was not killed by a mob in Carthage, Illinois, and is still alive today. According to the church, it was a body double who was killed. Rather than return from hiding after the destruction of the Nauvoo Expositor, the real Joseph Smith journeyed to an undisclosed location in northern Alaska, where he allowed himself to be frozen in hopes of being preserved for the latter latter days. The knowledge of his exact location was passed down to each subsequent generation of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, they being instructed to tell no one and not to attempt to recover the body until being commanded of God to do so.
“In the divisive times of this year’s election both within and outside the church, we felt that now was the right time to welcome back the Prophet and seek additional guidance from Him,” explained Elder Russell M. Nelson, President of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles. “He’s been alive and well, in state of deep freezing. There’s a reason He’s called the Prophet of the Restoration; He’s always Been the Prophet of the Restoration. Yes, Thomas S. Monson is still a prophet. It’s just that rather than there being 15 apostles instead of 12, it turns out that since the faked death of Brother Joseph, this dispensation has always had 16 apostles rather than 15.”
Smith was reportedly pleased that the general structure and organization of the church had survived the tests of time. He was however, shocked and appalled that certain essential doctrines, namely that of plural marrage, had been abandoned.
“We showed the Prophet Official Declaration 1,” continued Elder Nelson. “We explained that if President Woodruff hadn’t disbanded polygamy, the church would have lost all its temples. And more importantly that the declaration was, you know, a revelation from God. We even tried to lighten the blow by pointing out that doctrinally, we still do practice polygamy. I told him that I myself am sealed to two women! But Brother Joseph still…well, He’ll come around.”
The Brethren’s pleading for understanding reportedly did little to sway Joseph Smith. “Somewhere, sometime, my dear brother Wilford lost his way,” the prophet had said in a distant and pensive voice.
After promptly mastering the use of computers and the internet, Smith then perused the Wikipedia page “List of denominations in the Latter Day Saint movement” until he discovered the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (FLDS). Smith then affirmed that FLDS prophet Warren Jeffs was rotting in prison simply for practicing restored doctrines, a circumstance all too familiar with Smith himself. When Elder Nelson pleaded with Smith not to visit Jeffs in prison, he received a stern and powerful rebuke.
“Do not presume to council my servant, the prophet Joseph,” lectured Smith in the scriptural language of his revelations. “Inasmuch as ye have not been faithful in the teaching and living all restored truths, as has my servant Warren, ye have no authority over this people. Behold, the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true continuation of my church restored by my servant Joseph.”
Following the rebuke, Smith journeyed to the Louis C. Powledge Unit in Texas where Jeffs is incarcerated. Having failed to use his authority as Prophet, Seer, Revelator and King of the World to convince prison officials to release Jeffs, he has been visiting various congregations of the mainstream LDS church, convincing members to abandon the church they know and join with the FLDS. At press time, Smith was teaching a Sunday School class of young girls known as Laurels the importance of D&C 132, as well as the heroic life of church history figure Fanny Alger.
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